He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
