walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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