Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
