Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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