life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
