dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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