Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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