Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
