Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.