also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.