Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.