my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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