woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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