you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
