I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.