He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.