I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol