i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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