i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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