I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
