I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
