Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
