Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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