Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
