i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
