I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He shit in the fireplace
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
