guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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