I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
