party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
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I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila