I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.