I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?