Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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