I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
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The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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