Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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