Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sober January is a disaster.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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