omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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