Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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