Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My cat gives me a boner
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?