i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.