What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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