You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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