omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
