Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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