I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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