hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
