i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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