it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
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Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.