I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.