I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
