we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
