It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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