If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
