I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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