All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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