I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
