I am full of burrito and curiosity
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
