I love black thongs
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest