Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"