She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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